Dear Senator Hatch

Recently, I penned a letter to all my Congressmen and Senators, voicing my concerns and opinions about the Pebble Mine fiasco.  I've received one phone call (by a yawning, bored aide) and this letter.
Following the letter, is my response (penned by El Hefe). 
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Dear Mr. Juan Pablo:

Thank you for your email concerning the proposed Pebble Mine at Bristol Bay in Alaska. I appreciate your attention to this matter, and I welcome the opportunity to respond.

As you may know, the deposits of the minerals in question are located on land that is owned by the state of Alaska. I value your input and hearing your concern for the salmon population and surrounding environment. As a federal representative from the state of Utah, my position precludes me from exerting jurisdiction over matters that belong to another state. While some believe the federal government should exert its authority to block this proposal, I ultimately believe that matters on state lands should be decided by the respective state. You may wish to contact Alaska’s governor and federal congressional delegation to voice your concern over this proposal for development.

Thank you for being vigilant in the protection of this unique resource. Please feel free to contact my office in the future in any matters involving the federal government. 

Your Senator,

Orrin G. Hatch

United States Senator

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Dear Senator Hatch,

 You sir are a coward!  Do you remember hugging my wife a couple of years ago?  Well, that was fine, no big deal, but now, you have crossed the line.  If you don't protect these fish, you have no standing to call yourself a man let alone a representative of our great state of Utah.  You sir, have offended my honor, I therefore, challenge you to a duel! You may choose the weapon and I will dispatch you with out further thought!  

PS. I'm heck with a scatter-gun, just ask that she-bear on the Pongo.  If I were you, I would not choose the scatter-gun.

SEE YOU IN HELL!

Yours truly,

Juan-Pablo Secreterio

El Presidente, Rocky Mtn HQ
THE Unguided